Riva Pomerantz
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Open Mind, Closed Door? 08/24/2010
7 Comments
 
Last night, while rushing to get ready for a bar mitzvah, I left my bedroom to find my daughter cowering on the couch.

"There are two scary looking women knocking at the door non-stop," she told me.

I noticed she had surreptitiously locked the safety latch at the top of the door. Warily, I looked through the peephole. And beheld a woman, dressed in a flowing caftan with two shawls draped over her head, pinned beneath her chin, accompanied by an older, shawl-clad woman clutching a young child. They didn't look so scary to me; they looked, well, unusual. I opened the door.

They asked if they could speak with me for a moment. I told them I was on my way to a bar mitzvah. They promised it would only take a short time. They were sweet and friendly and completely guileless. I smiled reluctant agreement.

The younger, heavily draped woman, began to speak. She spoke about how important it is to excel in loving each other instead of in-fighting and baseless hatred. She was sincere and straightforward. She went on to speak about the power of the Jewish woman in effecting salvation for the entire nation. She spoke, in a quietly impassioned way, about the need for the holy, exalted woman to conduct herself according to the rules of modesty, and the tragic results of breaches in tznius, modesty, that have sprung up today. She talked about the horrible sin of wearing wigs.

So I stood there, wearing my newly coiffed Shabbos wig, listening to this young, earnest woman, covered from head to toe in yards and yards of heavy fabric in 100 degree heat. And I listened to what she said, opening my mind to her words. She spoke for an hour. My daughter listened too.

Much of what she said resonated with truth. Some of it my logical mind automatically rejected; it's unimportant to repeat those parts in this post. After she left, kissing me on the cheek, I found myself turning over her emotional speech--a plea, really--to search for my truth.

"Why didn't you close the door on her?" a friend asked, when I related this incident, which left me pensive.

"Why should I close my door?" I said. "I'm always interested in hearing other opinions. Maybe there's something I need to hear from this woman, something she's been sent to tell me."

My husband disagrees. He points out--and rightly so--that wearing heavy coverings on the head and body is not an appropriate mode of dress for today's Jewish woman and that extremist views do more harm than good. I know my husband is wise and on-target and there is a lot of truth in what he says. At the same time, I am loathe to discount my last-night visitors out-of-hand. Even if they are 90% misguided, there is still that 10% I need to take to heart.

Again, there is that struggle; the struggle that I think defines all of Life, what King David referred to as the "gesher tzar me'od", the very narrow bridge. When is an open mind absolutely necessary in order to learn and grow? And when is an open mind actually dangerous because it lets too much in?
 


Comments

ZB
08/24/2010 06:38

Wow, you have patience of a saint. I couldn't have listened because if they take tznius to an extreme, then I imagine most of their hashkafos are an extreme. I would keep my mind open only when I know there's something to be GAINED from it. Not just for the sake of having an open mind.

Reply
es
08/25/2010 09:19

Hi I am new to your blog. I am a great admirer of your serial stories and articles that are published in the Mishpacha. Anyways, regarding this topic of extreme tznius, I feel that besides for the misguided views, they are creating their own religion. Tznius is not about attracting attention to yourself when you stand out from everyone else, even if you are covering up everything. Therefore, I always feel that the best way to describe how to be tznius is that you look attractive but not attracting attention. A bas melech is not someone who wears a burka and capes to cover up any form that she has. Just a quick story to illustrate my point-Queen Elizabeth came this summer to New York. All the newspaper journalists were commenting how she must be sweating and extremely hot under her long sleeves and dress. So royalty is dressing properly but not to an extreme. I don't think there's what to gain from speaking to these ladies who visited you.

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RF
10/14/2010 03:12

they came to my door too, but if you no longer want your shaitel, i'll gladly take it!!!A little hair dye and itll be perfect for me!!!

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CS link
10/14/2010 06:21

a wise man once told me not to be so open minded that my brains fall out...

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bikores.blogspot.com
10/18/2010 10:57

1) How would your husband respond to someone who says that covering elbows, collarbone and knees is not an appropriate mode of dress for today's Jewish woman. Who decides what's appropriate?

2) You said you were rushing and that they promised it would take a short time. An hour is not a short time. It was not ahavas Yisrael to mislead you and take up that much of your time.

3) I wonder what their response is when someone tells them that their rabbi/rav/rebbe insists that a sheitel is the best way to cover one's hair. Do they try to convince people to drop their rabbi? to say that he is wrong? I would respect them if they conceded that different rabbis have different views and that it is not their place to convince people to go against their rabbi's views.

Reply
Me
10/31/2010 13:16

(It wasn't King David, it was actually Rabbi Nachman from Breslov who coined the description "narow bridge"...)

Reply
CN
11/24/2010 11:32

A cousin of mine was in E"Y before the Yomim Noraim, at a time when there were posters all over about strengthening tznius (fine) AND not wearing wigs. She had the opportunity to spend time with the family of R' Chaim Kanievsky, so she asked them his opinion. They said he holds a wig is an acceptable head covering. End of story.

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    About Riva Pomerantz

    I'm a freelance writer, widely published in Mishpacha Magazine, www.aish.com, amongst others. You can buy my books, Green Fences, Breaking Point, and Breaking Free, at www.targum.com. My serialized story, Charades, is really heating up!

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