Growl, roar, there's a nasty monster loose in my life, running around, ferociously resisting all attempts at being tamed. Every day I try anew, and every day it runs circles around me, lashing out with merciless claws, leaving carnage, havoc, and destruction behind. I've consulted with exterminators, monster-tamers, and PETA, and no one seems to be able to help.

This monster isn't carnivore or herbivore; it's a timeivore, it eats precious minutes, gobbles golden hours, consumes large chunks of days. It's on the F.B.I.'s Most Wanted List for all manners of horrible, blood-curdling offenses, including Chronic Procrastination with Intent to Cause Bodily, Emotional, and Financial Harm, Assault on Living Life Fully, and Break-and-Entry With a Deadly Weapon (a .45 Time-Blaster has been linked directly, through DNA testing, to this monster at-large). It has a long history of assuming new identities, has been known to masquerade under such aliases as Internet Browsing, Talking Endlessly On The Phone, and Finding Anything To Do Around the House Other Than What I Am Supposed to be Doing, etc.

Anyone with information on how to capture, rehabilitate, or eliminate this beast is asked to call the tip hotline. Except that we might be too busy procrastinating to answer your call, in which case leave a message and we'll get back to you after we finish getting loads of neglected work done.

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