Raising Kids to Greatness

11/19/2008

5 Comments

 

Last night I was interviewing a mental  health professional for an article I'm working on--a major feature article which cracks open a delicate and difficult subject...a subject no one really wants to openly talk about...something "can of wormsish...are you curious yet? I think I'm supposed to keep a lid on things that haven't yet come out so you'll have to wait to see for yourself.

Anyway, this person, very intelligent and highly trained, proposed a theory which struck me with force. What this person said was, "Today's kids are trying to escape their problems and not have to deal with their feelings. Why? Because we (parents) are simply not raising our kids for greatness. Look at the personalities in Tanach, in the Gemara. These people were poets, astronomers, physicians, along with being erudite scholars. They were complex, they were great. Jews are intended for greatness. We are not meant to be average. Yet today's parent is obssessed with their child being 'normal', 'regular', 'fitting in'."

Hmmmmm.... Deep breath.

I dunno. On one side you have the parents complaining that their children, nebbach, aren't geniuses ("To be honest, his IQ is only average, but don't tell the shadchanim; and anyway, those IQ tests don't mean a single thing--he was walking by five months!"), and on the other side you have people clamoring for more greatness in kids, blaming society's ills on the untapped potential we parents fail to encourage in our children. And then you have the kids who end up in therapy, complaining about how their parents always demanded they push themselves to an infinite limit so they lived their childhood always feeling they didn't measure up.

And I wonder to myself: how would a parent, theoretically, raise a child "to greatness", enabling that child to harness his or her creativity without being stifled? Is this potential for greatness truly the responsibility and capability of parents? Could it be, also, school-dependent? Society-dependent? As a kid in Bais Yaakov, when I read the classics, pored over books on Einstein's Theory of Relativity, and expressed a great thirst for knowledge and an aching desire to write, many of those around me did not see this is as a "sign of greatness" to put it mildly :-).

It sounds delicious to raise kids to discover their own innate abilities and allow them to take those abilities to whatever heights they chose, nurturing them in every which way. But, tachlis, how does that happen? What if the parent doesn't have money for violin lessons, chess lessons, art lessons, and a private trigonometry teacher? How much is intrinsic and how much is extrinsic?

What if today's adolescent escape problems don't stem from their frustrated, foiled potential? What other underlying cause might be at play? And who takes the blame?



 


Comments

The Jewish Side link
11/28/2008 08:07

Very interesting, good question, I always wondered about this.

I would definitely say a big part goes to the parents, I think they have to believe in their children, so long as they believe their child can accomplish greatness, then they won't spoil them and dumb things down for them. Then their children will be confident about how high they can go and will strive for greatness. At the same time the parents shouldn't set high expectations from their children which will cause disappointment to both them and their children when the expectations aren't obtained. Parents have to realize their children aren't like all others, and there should be no comparisons, each child is unique.

But yet, even children who weren't raised to greatness, got no help from their parents, and were even put down for trying, still were able to succeed, because the child itself wanted the greatness so badly, they valued it themselves, and self motivation is the best vehicle to success, nothing can stop you.

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Ronit link
02/17/2009 11:45

It depends what you mean "raising them to greatness"? Does it mean "raise them to be constructive contributing members of society" or does it mean "raise them to be happy well adjusted individuals"?
From my experience, people that often contribute a lot to society arent so happy and don't have the best time socially. So yes, they may be contributing, but they're still the unpopular nerds they were in their school years unless they find a community of nerds to live in where they're the norm and not the weird ones.

So i don't want to raise my child to be different. If he wants to anyhow, thats his choice, but i'm not going to push him to go to 5 chugim, etc.

I think the proper balance is to be encouraging of whatever the child wants to do, not deprecating, dismissive, etc... but not to force your dreams on your child...

But who knows.
Love Ronit

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Galiah
08/13/2009 18:39

Raise them to greatness--- but according to THEIR own abilities and potential. Pushing a child to become "great" in a way they are not capable of achieving is not going to do it... A parent has to know their child, know their strengths and weaknesses, know what their kochos hanefesh are, and guide them to be the best s/he can be... without forcing them into a rigid mold that might fit s/o else.
As parents, we need to do as much as we can to tend our seeds and saplings in our garden... but overwatering can be harmful, as well as not watering enough or neglecting to pull out weeds.
"Lo alecha hamelacha ligmor, velo ata ben chorin lehibatel mimena..." (you do not have to finish the job, but you cannot give up in the middle either...)

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temi
03/02/2010 18:52

children have to be built from the inside out. They have to be taught to love and accept themselves, and believe in their ability to accomplish and to serve G-d in a way that they don't feel that their imperfections disqualify them. They have to be taught that G-d genuinely loves them and created them and placed them in this world with their own personal task. They need to be able to tune in to their own inner world and trust it. They need to not subject themselves to judgement based on what G-d enlisted someone else with.
We can only accomplish this A. By believing that G-d loves us and created us and placed us in this world with compassion and a mission B. Emulating G-d in His compassionate, accepting ways, and teaching our children according to their strengths. C. This one is a biggie. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and just do and accomplish things on our own personal scale. (You often wonder about those people who are bursting with life and always seem to be accomplishing many 'big' things simultaneously. They don't think about who won't like it, who would do a better job etc. They just do.)
People are great when they have a true relationship with G-d and themselves and behave and accomplish accordingly. Any tips on how to get there?

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Chavi
03/25/2011 08:52

First thing you have to remember- you gotta instill in your kids that they ARE great. Bring them up with an awareness of who they are- part of an am hanivchar. Were special, part of a chosen nation. Were different, were meant to be different. That brings responsibility, but also pride. Greatness is living up to who you really are in the best possible way. spiritual growth is what matters. What is your relationship with Hashem?
I think a big problem today is the lack of respect for who you are, who we are, and who others are. When parents don't respect themselves enough not to crumble when society disapproves, or anyone is critical, that sends a message that people are only worth as much as the other guy decides. (often not much) It takes confidence away, and either the kid thinks what's the point in working anyway, and takes the easy route. (sometimes disastrous) or they kill themselves trying to live up to the wrong standards. And that isn't real greatness. But when a kid respects who he is, and feels a responsibility towards himself and Hashem he'll strive for real gereatness. Ever wonder why you feel so demeaned when someone is putting down/ mocking another person? Cause essentially they're saying, people aren't worth respect. It's a demeaning attitude towards everyone, and it includes you. (ok, so this time you weren't the subject.) Parents, please have to have an attitude of appreciation, respect and reverence if you want your children getting anywhere that counts.
- A teenager

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