As a confirmed and registered member of the female species, I do feel significant shame and guilt in making the following confession, but honesty and weary contempt compel me to do so at great risk to my self-esteem: I hate shopping. Yes--hate. I know, it's a big, bad word, and it would be better to temper it with something less, well, hateful, like "dislike", "don't really like" or "prefer not to", but I will stick with my original sentiment. For me, shopping is second only to doing algebra. Okay, maybe not that bad.

But sadly, wardrobes don't update themselves, and personal shoppers are so hard to come by, so the deed had to be done. I duly shlepped in to Yerushalayim (Jerusalem) to embark upon the dread mission. I will spare you the gory details of pushy salespeople, a dizzying selection of merchandise that seems to only come in the size I am not, and other such delights of this hallowed (by some) pastime. Instead, I want to propose a theory of shopping. Perhaps it will become a law one day. I would name it something original, like The Riva Law of Shopping.

Anyway, right this way to the theory--fourth aisle, second shelf, hanging on a rack, of course. The theory is this: the reason why shopping is so frustrating is because it calls into play the need to make decisions that are not only financial and social, but also emotional and even existential. I will illustrate this with an example:

That sweater, over there, the purplish one with a kind of mottled pattern, is really cute. Okay, how much does it cost? (Financial) Gosh, well, I guess I could splurge. But wait! Will it make me look fat? (Emotional) Is this what people are wearing these days? (Social) But...hold on a second: what will this purple sweater DO for me? Is it me? Is it the person I want to be me? Is it someone else who I'd like to incorporate into my me-ness? Will it give me the air and attitude that the shirt conjures up in all its mottled glory? (Existential)

Okay, maybe I'm just weird and my mind chases its tail with so frivolous a thing as a purple sweater. But maybe I'm not.

I have to say, however, that the worst part about shopping is the empty feeling I get after the temporary high wears off. Maybe you can relate.